The Despair Inc. Blog

I’m two-days late on this issue of the Wailing List. So this one is presented to you completely Tangent-Free!

And yet, somehow, I just know I’m going to get complaints from sticklers who complain, “If you really wanted this to be tangent free, you wouldn’t have started out with the extraneous bit about how you’re two days late, moron!”

Of course, the majority of you would’ve taken it at face value and not said a word about the open, since you’ve learned to discern the difference between the Spirit and Letter of the Ad Copy. But now that I’ve wasted additional ad copy attempting to categorize my readers into at least two different groups- hardly a matter germane to the real subject at hand- even the most tolerant and understanding of readers are probably beginning to wince in irritation, rightly wondering whether or not I’m ever going to get around to talking about the new John Doe Tee. Or if instead this supposedly Tangent-Free! e-mail is going to descend further into recursion…

Truthfully, if I had a little more time, I probably would invest it in some kind of fractal joke that keeps digressing into errata, then pretends it’s going to right itself, only to loop back into the larger gag about tangents and thus retest your patience anew. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s this; there’s a fine line between amusement and annoyance. And little is more tiresome than a would-be comedian unaware that he’s crossed it. I know that guy. I don’t want to be that guy. That guy drives ME nuts. Almost as much as people who correct my grammar- and inevitably, that’s coming. Because I used a semi-colon a half-dozen sentences ago, and I’m not sure that I used it correctly, though I know exactly what my intent was when I used it, and I think the non-sticker subset of you that I discussed back in paragraph 2 would read it and discern the intent, the “voice” if you will, and say nothing in complaint. At least not about my possible semi-colon misuse…

Okay, there- I’ve said it. I’m done. And I know this pointless, circuitous bit of performance art has probably enraged all-but-the-most-dedicated-of-readers and will surely imperil the sales prospects of The John Doe Tee. And I’m sorry if that’s the case, because when I wrote that opening line, I really did intend for this to be a three-sentence email… And now look what happened.

Are we still friends? Please don’t give up on me, just because I sometimes frustrate you nearly to violence. I know at this point, if I were standing right there in reach, more than a few of you would be tempted to bludgeon me to death and leave me in a shallow grave. (Frankly, I felt the same way towards Neal Stephenson when trying to get through that never-ending Alan Turing bicycle-chain tangent in Cryptonomicon (not that I’m comparing myself with him- because the man is a bloody-genius and I’m just a marketing droid who sometimes can’t stop talking.)).

If I give you a coupon code, will you forgive me? Please? Some of you, at least? Well, alright then, I’ll do it. Just use the coupon code tangent and you’ll get $5 off your next order. Really. It’s good for a week.

I need to pee.

The Social Media Tee

A gorgeous, 8-color masterpiece which captures ever so brilliantly the three behavioral disorders propelling the continued phenomenal growth of today’s most widely-trafficked social media sites. And at the intersection of the dysfunctional forces of Narcissism, ADHD, and Stalking resides today’s fastest growing social media experiment of all- Twitter.

And speaking of Twitter, in an effort to spread the word to that audience which needs this t-shirt more than all others, Despair is once again having a Retweeting contest. We’ll be giving away Ten free Social Media tees to a random set of ten Twitterers who Retweet the following entry:

DESPAIR.COM unveils Social Media Tee for Narcissists,Stalkers & ADHD set http://cli.gs/WMPPTD (RT for chance to win 1 of 10)

The 10 winners will be announced via my Twitter on Thursday afternoon.

But hold on- as timely as that t-shirt is, Despair’s unveiling yet another new DespairWear masterpiece- our Government Motors Tee!

Yesterday marked the end of one era, and the dawning of a new. An American Giant- General Motors- finally collapsed under the weight of decades of poor management decisions, unsustainable labor agreements, and other unfortunate missteps. And now- thanks to the unvolunteered-but-nevertheless-mandatory financial contributions of a third-of-a-billion tiny little people like you and me- that colossus of heavy industry is now majority owned by the US Government.

That’s right. The entire fate of one of the largest corporations in the history of Capitalism now rests in the hands of the one group potentially even less qualified and capable of leading it a more efficient, more consumer-oriented, more quality-focused future- The United States Government. (Um, this wasn’t exactly the revolution we had in mind…)

Our new Government Motors tee sums it all up perfectly. Oh, it’s the same old GM logo you know and love to be ambivalent to- but we’ve made a few upgrades. Given where we are, is there any reason at all NOT to incorporate the Hammer & Sickle into it?

And yes, we’re having a Retweet contest here, too- just because if we didn’t, I know I’d get complaints from those of you who prefer this tee to the former. Yet again, we’ll be giving away Ten free Government Motors tees to a random set of ten Twitterers who Retweet the following entry:

DESPAIR.COM intros #GMtee. In Soviet Amerika, Car Drives YOU. Bankrupt! http://cli.gs/UMHLJv (RT for chance to win 1 of 10)

And yes, we’ll announce the winners at the same time on Thursday as we announce the other contest winners.

That’s it for this week! Hope you liked these. I designed the first one myself- so by buying it, you’ll be helping to contribute to my Single Malt Scotch kitty fund because I get a little royalty off of the sale of each of Tee. As impressive as that cabinet may appear for a college-dropout who handles lower-level online marketing responsibilities for Despair, it’s actually quite barren. Only 5 of the bottles in there even have anything in them- and one of them is American Honey - Wild Turkey Whisky Liqueur, which is 65% full and will remain that way- because my ex-girlfriend used to enjoy an occasional wee glass… Way back when… And she doesn’t want it back and I wouldn’t send it to her anyway, because she still has a crapload of my books- including, ironically, “What Narcissism Means to Me”- a pretty decent book of poetry by Tony Hoagland, author of “Donkey Gospel”, which includes this little gem and this one and WHY am I telling you this? I have no idea. I start talking about whisky and slowly I descend into tangents upon tangents, which is why you could really help me out by validating my insights into ADHD, rendered brilliantly in the t-shirt I previously flacked but will plug here in case you are too lazy to, you know, scroll your mouse up half-a-page…

All that to say… I’ve been dying to invite my whisky-loving friends over to dazzle them with a bottle of the legendary Yoichi 20 Year Cask Strength (Winner of Whisky Magazine’s “World’s Best Whisky of 2008” Award…). But at $315 a bottle, I’m sure not going to be buying that myself… Unless I came into some money suddenly, due to an unexpected outpouring of love for either my new t-shirt, or for me.

I could go on- since the subject was the Love of ME, and Narcissism, along with ADHD, is something I know more than a little bit about. But I have to go. No, I’m not planning to go stalk somebody so I can hit the Social Media trifecta. Those days are over. But thanks for asking.

Our first-ever Caption Contest is complete. With over 20,000 votes cast, the 1st Prize winner of the contest is one Daniel Swensen- who received over 4,000 votes for his entry! For his efforts, he’ll receive a $500 cash prize, as well as an assortment of miscellaneous crap that we’ll grab out of the “damaged returns” bin.

But Daniel’s not the only winner. We’re also happy to announce that one Jonathan Holmberg of Fort Collins, Colorado won our $200 Retweeter prize. He- along with many others- used his Twitter account to Retweet my Twitter Caption Contest invitation. His name was chosen at random from the list of other Retweeters- and as a result, he’s winning $200!

Yet, there are other winners as well. Including all of YOU! Because- through the end of the month- you can pick up a FREE desktopper of “PERSEVERANCE“, simply by adding it to your cart and placing an order for $19.95 worth of other stuff at our website. Awesome!

And yet, there are still further winners. We decided to honor a few additional entries to the contest- entries which, while not really qualifying for consideration for various reasons, still prompted guilty laughter, or pained groans, or disbelieving winces. They are:

The Blackout Returns. Bigtime.

Today at Noon, The Greatest Sales Event of the Year is BACK!

Starting at 12:00 PM CST   •   For 48 hours only.

(Read this E-Mail CAREFULLY, Please, or Risk Missing Out on the Deal of an Admittedly Depressing Lifetime!)

 Yes, it’s the sale so absolutely staggering in its disproportionate generosity that many would-be customers are certain it must be a joke. A sale- from Despair, Incorporated no less- which offers not only staggering discounts on the majority of products at Despair.com- but even more incredibly, unbelievably compelling freebies for nearly everyone who places an order!

And this year’s Freebies are without a doubt the most generous we’ve ever offered in a Blackout sale. Because during THIS promotion, we’re celebrating the 10th anniversary of our famed Pessimist’s Mug by introducing an awe-inspiring expansion of the product line- an entire collection of Pessimist’s Glassware! And we’re giving them away! But first- the discounts!

For 48-hours only, all Demotivator® Lithographs are $9.95 ($6.95 off!)

All Desktoppers are $12.95 ($3 off!)

All DespairWear is $14.95 (up to $5 off!)

All 4-color Mugs are $7.95 ($3 off!) 

And guess what, our Summer-Edition Build-Your-Own-Calendars are all discounted by 25% or more- and, for the duration of the Blackout, all customized dates in our Standard & Special-Edition (8.5″ x 11″) Calendars are provided free-of-charge for the duration of the promotion. Wickedosity!

And Now For the FREEBIES- from our New-And-Improved Pessimist’s Glassware Collection! (Email continues after the pic- so keep reading!)

If you’re one of the first 1,000 customers to place an order in the Blackout, you’ll automatically receive a FREE, 10th Anniversary Edition Version of Our Classic Pessimist’s Mug. (What’s different about it? Why, it’s got considerably classier type this time around- and there’s not a gigantic “www.despair.com” on the face of the mug anymore! SWANK!)

If your order includes $25 worth of product, you’ll get a FREE, 15 oz. Pessimist’s Glass with your order! Nice!

But hold on! If you spend over $35 on products during this Blackout, you’ll ALSO get our utterly fantastically, entirely brand-new Points-Of-View Pint Glass for FREE!

And- to even OUR amazement- if you order $50 or more on goods from Despair.com, you’ll receive THREE ADDITIONAL PESSIMIST’S GLASSES! Bringing your set to an even four! They’re the perfect glassware for entertaining some of your least entertaining friends! AMAZING!

For those of you wanting to order ADDITIONAL Pessimist’s Glassware- Shot Glasses, Drinking Glasses, or Mugs- you can do so here.

IN CLOSING: PLEASE READ CAREFULLY! Remember- the Blackout begins at 12pm Noon (CST). Whatever you do, DON’T start ordering stuff before Noon and then complain that you didn’t see the discounts we promised, and didn’t get the freebies we hyped once your order arrived. Orders placed before Noon CST will not be considered BLACKOUT orders and thus will not enjoy the amazing discounts and freebies! And many items will not be added to the Despair.com website until 12, either- so just WAIT until then to act!

Also please note: Orders placed during this Blackout should ship by or before the week of 05/25. There’s a LOT of new stuff here- some of it we’re still waiting to receive in our warehouse. So be patient with us. These kinda crazy discounts and giveaways are so generous to you that the least you can do is cut us some slack on the fulfillment end of things.

That’s all. See you at Noon at Despair.com. 

(It’s the Brief Return of Our Most Generous Sales Promo Ever!)

(Please read this email very carefully. People didn’t bother to read it closely last time,then got mad at ME because they couldn’t follow instructions! It’s not my fault you’ve got A.D.D.! Blame your parents for plopping your toddler butt in front of the television instead of making you read some LITERATURE every once in a while! Not that this is literature, mind you, though you could be forgiven for thinking it was- given how bloody wordy this opening preamble is. Blame MY parents for acting like every little trivial utterance from my mouth was sheer brilliance*.)

BEGINNING IN 7 HOURS- AT 12AM CST ON WEDNESDAY MORNING-
DESPAIR.COM INVITES YOU TO PICK OUT YOUR VERY FAVORITE LITHOGRAPH, DESKTOPPER,
4-COLOR MUG OR DESPAIRWEAR T-SHIRT. AND WE’LL GIVE IT TO YOU FOR FREE.

That’s right. This April Fools’ Day, Despair, Inc. is revisiting our most beloved promotion ever- The Gift. For 48-hours only, Wailing List subscribers like yourself have a chance to choose your most favorite item- from our collection of over 20 4-color Demotivator mugs, over 100 desktoppers, over 35 DespairWear tees or 60 lithographs- and we’ll give it to you for FREE. (As long as your order size is at least $20 and you use the right coupon code. And no, we’re not paying for shipping! Who do you think are, Frankie Valli or something? Get over yourself AGAIN!)

Oh but wait- guess what? If your product order total is over $35, we’ll actually throw in a FREE PESSIMIST’S MUG. We didn’t do THAT in our last Gift Promotion! (NOTE: The Pessimist’s Mug will NOT appear in your cart- but WILL be included if your PRODUCT ORDER TOTAL is $35 or greater. This is like a Trust Fall- where you trust us, even if we’re figuratively sporting a mega-mullet like the beets in the aforementioned clip…)

Oh OH! Wait WAIT! What’s that? If you spend over $50 on products- we actually WILL ship it to you for FREE via UPS Ground! (Provided that you live in the United States. Sorry Canada- but don’t worry- we’ll annex you soon enough. And then you’ll get to participate in Free Shipping promotions like this. As you pay for your goods with Ameros…)

At the risk of causing you to burst asunder with excitement, I have even more good news! We’re unveiling even more NEW PRODUCTS in this very promotion- any one of which can be yours for free if you so choose! Starting with 2 New 4-color Demotivator Mugs- Blogging and Corruption!

So- if you want your free gift to be one of our 4-color mugs, just use the coupon code IMaFOOLforMUGS.

But hey- maybe you’re a fan of DespairWear… Maybe you’d like to snag a FREE t-shirt from our famed collection! I’ve got good news for you, too, as we just recently added a NEW, long-requested Demotivator design to the DespairWear Collection. It’s the Limitations T-Shirt!

If you’d like your free gift to be something from our DespairWear Collection, simply use the coupon code IMaFOOLforDESPAIRWEAR when placing your order. (PLEASE NOTE: If ordering 2XL or 3XL sizes, the code is valid for $18.95 out of $20.95. Those anorexic pervs at American Apparel charge us a lot more for the larger sized tees… Sorry!)

If you’d rather that your free gift be a Demotivators Lithograph, simply use the coupon code IMaFOOLforLITHOGRAPHS.

And lastly, if you’d rather that your free gift be a Demotivator Desktopper, just use the coupon code, IMaFOOLforDESKTOPPERS.

Now- normally, I’d launch into a series of tangents at this point. Perhaps coming up with yet another reason why you should consider following my Twitter feed…

Would that I had the spare time, I’d specifically mention that the Twitter Feed is also the gateway to my TwitPic page, which was recently sponsored by Maxoderm, Xanadu, Talisker 10 Year, or a certain establishment’s very recent, er, Blowout Sale. But if you had endured all that mind-rotting garbage, you might have actually spent a moment being edified by a wrenchingly poignant poem by Ted Hughes. (Or maybe you’d have just suffered through yet another moment of self-indulgence by the Gen-X version of George Lucas…)

But I don’t have time for any of that sort of self-celebrating nonsense… Because we’re less than half-a-day-away from the Most Generous Sales Promotion Despair Is Going to Have In The Next Many Months. So I’ll restrain myself and save that bit of vanity for a later issue of The Wailing List.

*Or so I liked to pretend… As I sat alone in my room. My only company a 2XL Toy Robot who I mistakenly believed to be alive. And my best friend. And interested in every little dumb thing I had to say… You’ve got your troubles… I’ve got mine. Bed-wetting was one of them, back in the day. But I’m OVER that now, Ladies. Totally. It hasn’t been a problem in like MONTHS. Despite the nefarious temptations of Jesse & Jeane Stern.

There’s an exciting new game sweeping the nation. It’s called “Kleptocracy”- and the stakes couldn’t possibly be higher. Fortunes will be made by a select few- and lost by all others who choose to play.

(By the way, participation in THIS game is mandatory. Just in case you’re the sort who likes to play it safe and by the rules. There’s a word for people like in the Game of Kleptocracy. It’s called “LOSER”.)

Each of our 3 new KLEPTOCRACY tees features a card from the game on the front- and the KLEPTOCRACY logo on the back! And hey there, Twitterers… If you want to spread the word, just ReTweet the following:

Despair.com unveils KLEPTOCRACY Tees - Who Said Cheaters Never Win? http://cli.gs/sJp2eP.

Why would you want turn your Twitter feed into a marketing vehicle for Despair.com? Well, maybe it’s because we’re going to select ten random Twitterers who Tweet the http://cli.gs/sJp2eP URL and offer them the Kleptocracy Tee of their choice on Wednesday, March 11th. (NOTE: Your Tweet MUST include that URL in order for you to be entered into the drawing- we will be using Twitter Search in order to identify participating Twitters.)

Don’t have a Twitter account and don’t want one? Or have one and don’t want to flack another overpriced bit of cheeky gristle from Despair? I respect that. That’s why we’re offering a limited-time 20%-off coupon. Simply use the code KLEPTOCRACY when ordering one or more of these tees. (Please note: orders which include one or more tees should ship within two weeks.)

What are you waiting for? Please don’t tell me you don’t know what a Kleptocracy is! You better know- you’re in one!