The Despair Inc. Blog

Some believed his book was forever lost to history.

Others assumed it was only a legend in the first place- just another in a seemingly endless series of elaborate hoaxes perpetrated by a master of the craft.

Could it possibly be true? Did the world’s most notorious con-artist, Charles Ponzi himself, actually write an autobiography- his own personal account of his ascendency from obscurity and poverty into staggering wealth, fame, and eventual infamy?

And if he DID author such a work- what on earth became of it? Despair, Inc. has discovered the answer.

And this holiday season, we are making a fully-illustrated and carefully-documented version of the legendary lost work available to the world at large for the very first time.

Yes. We’re completely serious. No, this isn’t a fiction, or an elaborate satire. This is the real book- published by the real man who changed even our language.

—

Featuring:

• OVER 100 PHOTOGRAPHS, MANY NEVER BEFORE PUBLISHED

• THE FULL, UNABRIDGED TEXT OF PONZI’S 1936 LOST MASTERPIECE

• OVER 100 ADDITIONAL PAGES OF ORIGINAL HISTORICAL COMMENTARY BY DESPAIR, INC.

• A MASSIVE 7.265” x 11.5” PAPERBACK  (Limited-edition hardcover coming in 2010)

• SEE LOOK INSIDE THIS BOOK FOR ADDITIONAL FEATURES AND SAMPLE PAGES

Owning a first-edition version of Despair’s gorgeous and historic paperback isn’t just an investment in your betterment. It may be the investment of a lifetime…

In the fullness of time, who knows? Who can even begin to speculate about what a first-edition version of Despair’s gorgeously-illustrated re-issue of this profound work might someday be worth?

Could a first-edition print of Despair’s The Rise of Mr. Ponzi- already a steal at $29.95- soon find its own value quickly inflating? Double, tripling, even quadrupling in value in only a very short period of time- as other fans of historic autobiographies learn of the incredible scarcity of such a singularly important book? A book which certain anonymous-but-nevertheless-extremely-influential luminaries within the investing community have referred to as, “The number-one must-own holiday book for the 2009 gift-giving season!”

And who dare even begin to dream what sort of interest this book might generate for that huge audience of modern Ponzi-scheme victims out there? Those fleeced by the lesser Ponzi acolytes like Madoff and Stanford? Will they not - upon learning of the dwindling supply of first-edition Ponzi autobiographies - react in an immediate impulse purchase of the work? Can they resist the temptation to seek sweet solace for their bitter wounds by hastily buying one copy- (or many)- so as to gain a deeper insight into the mind of the Con Man? Would they not be willing to pay many times the original purchase price in order to have an invaluable first-edition copy of Despair’s release of The Rise of Mr. Ponzi?!

THE MIND BOGGLES AT THE POTENTIAL WEALTH THAT MIGHT CONCEIVABLY BE RETURNED TO THOSE ENTERPRISING SLICKERS WHO HAD THE FORESIGHT TO INVEST QUICKLY- WHILE THE WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY WAS BRIEFLY OPEN!!! HURRY UP, DON’T BE CHUMP, SEE? BUY IT NOW- OR YOU’LL BE THE WISEGUY WHO FINDS HIS HEAD iS BEING WRAPPED UP IN A BIG BIT OF COLORED PAPER THAT SAYS,”SUCKER” ALL OVER IT! YES, I’M TALKING TO YOU, MUG!

(Can you tell my bedtime reading has been for the last three weeks? I thought so…

By the way… If you want to Twitter about this amazing new investment opportunity, here’s a helpful tweet- ready to go!

DESPAIR.COM unveils the INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY of a LIFETIME! It’s Ponzi’s autobiography! http://cli.gs/rgRuzB

As the holiday shopping season quickly approaches- we’ve received more and more emails and phone calls from folks asking (frequently with a petulant huff), “What happened to the Retirement Party page- I bookmarked it, but now it’s gone- right when I was ready to shop!” or “Where are those Clearance Sale items I saw? I was going to pick up some posters for (INSERT NAME OF PERSON THEY APPARENTLY DON’T CARE MUCH ABOUT HERE)- but now I can’t! Help!”

The answer- then and now- is that Despair only puts Clearance Items on the website once-in-a-blue-moon, when we’re trying to free up a few palettes in the warehouse for new overpriced swag, or for Fall Catalogs, or for beer or something.

Sadly, as I’ve pointed out more than once, some folks out there simply don’t read our Wailing List promotions very carefully. (I know it’s not the best written newsletter in the world- as I can reliably receive dozens-to-hundreds of emails of rebuke or correction after any grammatical error or spelling mistake. Thank you SOOOO much for that, by the way… Like I don’t have enough problems…)

Because folks frequently DON’T read carefully enough, they often reach incorrect conclusions. Such as those folks who operated under the false assumption that- when it came time to do some holiday shopping, they’d be able to find a bunch of bargain-basement posters or retired DespairWear tees at Despair.com… Despair doesn’t keep clearance items perpetually on the site- especially not when catalogs start being mailed!

Nevertheless, we’ve received enough sad sack sob stories from people who made an ASS out of U and ME to briefly offer a respite. But listen carefully. We’re putting them back on the website for 6 hours only. We don’t want this sale to end up on dozens of coupon code and bargain hunter websites and end up being enjoyed by those who aren’t core customers. So you’ll have to get in- do your shopping fast- and get out.

If you missed out and you want a chance at discontinued DespairWear tees for $7.95 to 9.95, or discontinued Demotivator lithographs for $6.95, or Demotivator vinyl adhesives for $7.95, or whatever- you’ll have to visit this link starting tomorrow morning at 8am Central Time. You will have until 2pm to get in and grab what you want and close the sale.

PLEASE NOTE: The username and password WILL NOT WORK until tomorrow morning at 8am. So don’t write emails saying,”I can’t get this to work!” because it will not work until the morning.

PLEASE ALSO NOTE: The discounted 12 month Demotivator calendars will be still be discounted to $15.95 until 2pm, as well. After that, they return to their standard price of $19.95.

My apologies to those of you on the other side of the globe who might be forced to shopping at some strange hour in order to get in on the deal. I know most folks would prefer to shop while they are at work- rather than have to give up valuable free time at home. But I’d still encourage you to set an alarm and take advantage of this. Y’all frequently get hosed on the international shipping rates and the various extortion rackets your Customs Offices run- but if you make the effort to order during this 6 hour window, it still might net out as a bargain for you in the end. And that’s DEFINITELY not something that happens every day!

So. Any questions? I recommend you send them to me via Twitter. It’s easier / faster for me to handle them there. Plus the 140-character limit spares you my characteristic verbosity… Which has been on full display in the course of this email.

Hasta!

REMEMBER!

The USERNAME is whiners. The PASSWORD is begone. The link is here. And the 6 hour sale window lasts from 8am Central Time to 2pm.

 

 

To celebrate the completion of our Fall Catalog, Despair’s throwing a 24-hour party!
(And incredibly, you’re invited!)

Okay folks- this is another one of those PAY ATTENTION BECAUSE YOU MIGHT MISS OUT ON SOME AWESOMENESS IF YOU DON’T sort-of emails! I’ll be as succinct as I can be, though my instinctive verbosity is no secret to you and there’s every chance my attempts at a concise summation will go horribly, horribly wrong. Here’s the scoop on “The Wrap Party”:

As of this weekend, Despair’s writers and the marketing dorks managed to complete work on the 2009 Fall Catalog. Very soon, hundreds of thousands of catalogs will be in the mail, arriving perhaps in a mailbox near you.

Like every Holiday Catalog we mail, its purpose will be to plug calendars, and DespairWear, and all the new stuff we’ve created this year- along with longstanding favorites. And- as is typically the case for us- the catalog will be printed and mailed with little in the way of product discounts or freebies. That is what The Wrap Party is all about.

In the brief time before the catalog arrives, Despair is having a final big giveaway promotion- the sort we only have a few times a year (and almost never have once the catalogs start mailing).

So- what’s the Wrap-Party got to offer YOU?

1) FREE LITHOGRAPHS - This is the best lithograph deal we’ve ever done- so of course it will only be running for 24 hours. Here’s the scoop… If you buy ANY 24×30 LITHOGRAPH, Despair will automatically include our brand-new lithographs for CHALLENGES and PERSEVERANCE- for FREE! Yes, that really means BUY ONE GET TWO FREE. But because this deal is so generous, we’re only offering it for a day. So if you want to pick up 3 gorgeous posters for the price of 1, you have to order a poster TODAY. (NOTE: You will not see the two freebie posters appear in your shopping cart… This is like a trust-fall where you’ll just have to take our word that we’re really giving you two-free-with-any-one-purchased. Are you ready to take the fall?)

2) DISCOUNTED BRAND-NEW DESKTOPPERS - As of today, Despair is releasing THREE brand-new Demotivators! They are CREATIVITY (written by ME!), ECONOMICS, and SERVICE. And- for 24 hours only- these three desktoppers are available for $11.95 instead of $15.95. The prices will be raised tomorrow- so we can charge catalog recipients full-price for these awesome new additions to the Demotivator family- so HURRY!

A Celebration of Human Misery, Incompetence and Hubris

3) DISCOUNTED 12-MONTH CALENDARS - We are now adding FUNNY DATES to our 12-MONTH Calendars- just as we previously did to our 16-Month. And for FREE. And- for 24-hours only- we’re making that normally $19.95 calendar available for $15.95. That’s 25% off- or something close to that, anyway. It’s the cheapest price you’ll get this year for a fully-customizable Demotivators calendar crammed-full of funny, weird, depressing historical dates. This too lasts only 24-hours! Are you seeing the pattern yet, Brewster?

4) FREE SHIPPING ON DOMESTIC ORDERS OVER $40 - Typically, our threshold for free U.S. shipping is $50 worth of products. Once this promotion is over, the $50 minimum for free shipping will return. (You get one guess when this promotion is over… Just one.)

5) GLASSWARE IS BACK! - Many of you have found, to your annoyance, that Despair was backordered on many of our beautiful glassware items- such as the Points-Of-View Glass, variations of our Pessimist’s Glasses, and many of our Demotivators Mugs. Well guess what- we’ve taken them off backorder- so if you’re looking to score one or more, now is the time!)

Are you excited? So are we! If you feel prompted, you are more than welcome to RETWEET the following little blurblette, plugging our three hilarious and incisive new Demotivators:

Despair.com Adds New Demotivators! CREATIVITY- http://cli.gs/n6rNRg ECONOMICS- http://cli.gs/Nstn1M SERVICE- http://cli.gs/ThnTMb

So- that’s the scoop on the Wrap Party. It’s a great deal that- like so many other great deals- can’t last long, because it’s TOO great. So stop sitting there with your jaw hanging open and start buying stuff- before you miss your chance!

Did I mention three awesome new Demotivators? Well, so I did… But I didn’t embed images of them above- because I figured hyperlinks would be enough. Yet some of you are STILL READING- long after you should have stopped and started buying stuff slavishly upon my prior suggestion. So I assume you need just a little bit more encouragement in order to act. Well- here it is- some embedded pics of those three new designs…

(Now- for the last time- GO! Go and at least pick up a CREATIVITY Desktopper- so you’ll make me look brilliant in front of my peers!)(

For some, it prompted nightmares. For others, a rush of pure adrenaline. And for a generation of young Atari owners- it posed a mystery as profound as it was bizarre, “Is that a DUCK chasing me all over the place?”

But it was no duck. It was Rhindle- the red dragon. One of the fiercest and most terrifying foes in the history of gaming. And now- the dreaded foe is no longer just storming around the dungeons, looking for block-shaped adventures to devour- he’s stomping across this awesome new t-shirt!

(Or waddling, maybe.)

Introducing Curiosity… the winner of the 3rd Caption Contest!

Our latest Caption Contest voting is complete- and the winner, by a landslide, is here!

This time around, the 1st Prize winner of the contest is one Mr. Rich Bradley! He’ll soon be receiving a check for $500, along with an exciting collection of entirely pristine void-fill (perhaps with some Despair swag thrown in). All for contributing the winning submission, CURIOSITY!

But Rich isn’t the only one who just earned himself a handful of voidfill. As always, we’re celebrating the completion of another exciting Caption Contest by letting each of YOU have a chance to win something, too! From now until Monday night, you can pick up a FREE desktopper of CURIOSITY, simply by adding it to your cart and placing an order for $19.95 worth of other stuff at our website. What kinda stuff? Well, why not pick up a 16-Month 2010 Calendar? Remember- our 2010 Calendars not only include the 12 to 16 Demotivators of your choice, but they’re now jam-packed with bizarre, depressing and occasionally hilarious historical trivia! Like what? How about:

MAY 21, 1985
Protestors outraged about New Coke
gather in downtown Atlanta carrying
signs that read, “Our children will
never know refreshment.”

 

NOVEMBER 5, 2007(approx.)
Disgraced former NY Times plagiarist
& serial story fabricator Jayson Blair
announces he is now a “life coach” and
“motivational speaker” for hire.

 

AUGUST 1, 2003
Reuters reports that supermarket
cashiers in Buenos Aires are being
forced to wear diapers during work
to keep them from taking toilet breaks.

 

JANUARY 30, 1969
Stephen King, the Chief Accountant
for the Royal Bank of Scotland,
calls police to complain about a
noisy concert on the roof of the
Apple Records building.

 

DECEMBER 15, 2006
An S&P analyst in Collateralized Debt
Obligations group emails a superior,
“Let’s hope we’re all wealthy and retired
by the time this house of cards falters. ;o)”

 

AUGUST 12, 1958
Disney releases wildlife documentary
“White Wilderness”. During the filming,
lemmings were pushed off of cliffs in order
to document their suicidal tendencies.

 

JULY 7, 1995
Alanis Morissette releases the venomous
single “You Oughta Know”- which was
inspired by her relationship with that
goofy Joey guy on “Full House”.

 

FEBRUARY 4, 1912
Austrian tailor Franz Reichelt performs the
first and only test of his “overcoat parachute”
by leaping from the Eiffel Tower.

 

AUGUST 14, 2009
Madden NFL 10 released. It features
radical innovations over Madden NFL 9,
including crowds booing their own mascot and
the “authentic third-quarter beer cutoff”.

Admit it- you KNOW that’s awesome! So you BETTER be grabbing yourself one of those bad-boy calendars while you can automatically throw in a free CURIOSITY desktopper! Remember, you’ve got a week to help yourself to a free CURIOSITY desktopper. Don’t wait until the last minute or you’ll miss out! (Offer ends September 12, 2009)

THE MUGSHOT TEE

Introducing the first shirt that turns any photo into a Mugshot!

After my epic re-plug last week for the 16 Month Build Your Own Demotivators Calendar, I’m keeping things VERY simple for today’s launch of the new MUGSHOT TEE.

The shirt features a realistic-looking mugshot placard and a case number- along with simulated drop-shadow! And by sporting it, you’ll immediately add an element of criminality and danger to any photo you happen to pop-up in.

What a great opportunity to crash that next party, company get together, or family reunion! You can walk around- as the flashes pop- forever tainting the photos of those around you. Forever making THEIR friends, coworkers, or relatives ask, “Did that dude/chick just come out of a police lineup?”

Capital!

What’s more- any photo that you happen to thusly taint will also automatically become a free advertisement for Despair, Incorporated- because the Case Number printed on the shirt is actually our toll-free telephone number (1-877-DESPAIR)! Yes, we really are that bloody shameless!

And hey- it’s gets even better- because if you order this shirt before Wednesday at midnight, you can pick up your tee for $5 off the retail price! Simply use the coupon code MUGGING and you’ll save 25% off that criminally-awesome new design!

That’s it- my work here is done. Now your work begins!

[$5 OFF PROMOTION ENDS WEDNESDAY 8/26 AT MIDNIGHT CST]